Is It Okay to Hold Onto Keepsakes From Past Relationships After You’re Married?

Is It Okay to Hold Onto Keepsakes From Past Relationships After You’re Married?
You have a right to your past—but you also have a duty to consider the feelings of your partner.

Is a memory box filled with items from a past relationship worth undermining your current relationship? On last year’s hit Netflix show Nobody Wants This, there was a memorable scene where the main character, played by Kristen Bell, finds a box filled with stuff from her new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Bell quickly labels the find “the Box” and deliberates long and hard about whether or not to open it (spoiler alert: she does).

People hold onto things from previous relationships for a variety of reasons. They may be nostalgic for a different time in their lives and turn to these items as a way of remembering meaningful experiences and partners; a box like this may also signify that they’re still working through unresolved feelings. Another reason why people hold onto “the box?” They may simply be the type of person who finds it hard to throw out anything of sentimental or monetary value—it has nothing to do with the person or the relationship, just the happy memories. In a survey we informally conducted of 50 people, 46 respondents admitted to keeping something from a past love—including photos, love letters and jewelry. “What’s wrong with remembering what it was like to be young and in love?” asked one of the survey’s respondents. “My box shows I had a life before my husband. It also makes me more appreciative of the relationship I’m in today.”

Ahead, marriage counselors, matchmakers, and dating coaches answer your questions as to whether or not it’s okay to keep “the Box.”

Is It Okay to Keep Items From Past Relationships Once Married?

It’s a tough balance, but one that’s critical for your marriage. “Sometimes people need a visual or tactile way to hold onto a memory or person,” shares Freindlich. “If someone took an interest in you and brought about positive feelings and experiences, it makes sense to want to keep a reminder of that person and time. But if your partner is upset by the box, an open discussion is warranted. I suggest putting together a ‘mutual’ box that combines significant items you’ve saved individually over the years.”

“Holding onto items from the past doesn’t necessarily diminish a current relationship, but how we approach it is important,” adds Stephen Oreski LCSW, a psychotherapist and marriage counselor. “When discussing the box, be sure to emphasize the love and value your current relationship holds while ensuring your spouse feels secure. It’s here where you can stress it’s possible to appreciate your past while building a strong future together.”

Does my spouse need to know the box exists?

Honesty and trust are the bedrock of any successful relationship, so telling your partner about the existence of the box is essential. “Secrets give the box power, both in our minds and our partner’s mind,” says Oreski. “During a quiet moment, you can say, ‘Hey I’ve found a box of old cards and photos from my past, do you want to look through it with me?’” Wondering how to approach the topic with your partner? This can be especially tricky if you’ve been together—and lived together—for some time. Honesty, our experts agree, is the best policy. “Have a conversation with your fiancé or spouse and ask if they keep photographs, cards, or gifts from previous relationships,” suggests Oreski. “This is an opportunity to practice your communication skills. Approach these conversations with an open mind. One spouse may feel very sentimental about keeping things, the other less so. You want to find a balance so you respect each other’s perspective.”

“If a partner wants to know more about the contents of the box, then it’s up to the box holder to decide if they’d like to share or if they’d prefer to keep it to themselves,” says Freindlich. “A partner should have the insight to understand you had a life before they met you and unless your partner climbed out of a hole in the ground, they have a past too.”

Daphney Poyser, a dating coach and CEO of Fern Connections, seconds the importance of being open and transparent. “It’s the secrets and dishonesty that can hurt a relationship,” she says. “Sometimes putting it out there reduces the desire to see any of it.” Plus, it’s important to note that sharing old albums and memory boxes can actually be a fun experience for those secure in their relationships; what you’re nervous about being an issue in your marriage could ultimately be a blessing. “Letting your partner know you would love to see their photos and then share your own is a good way to break the ice on kept boxes,” says Sonnet Daymont, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist.

Should my spouse have access to my box and vice versa?

Only with permission, our experts agree. “I don’t advise snooping, rummaging or looking through someone’s box without their consent,” says Freindlich. “It’s the same thing as going through a diary, phone, or laptop.”

“Sharing a box involves a level of intimacy that people need to tap into when they’re ready,” notes Daymont. It’s important the owner of the box is present if a partner feels the need to go through it. “Even the most emotionally secure person may have concerns with a box filled with memories from a previous relationship,” says White. “Keep in mind there’s a danger of doing a ‘show and tell’ as emotions and feelings from those moments may come rushing back, making for an awkward moment. If you don’t think you can’t handle information that was not meant for your eyes and ears, you may not want to go looking for trouble. If you find out something that’s hard to absorb, like a letter where your spouse informally proposed to his or her ex, take a walk around the block and then calmly ask your spouse about it when you’ve cooled down.”

Where should I store the box?

Our experts say it’s a matter of personal choice where the box is kept. “Some may go to an extreme and bury it under loose floorboards in the basement where it can’t be easily found while others may keep their box in a closet in their bedroom,” says Freindlich.

Are there times when a purge is a good idea?

Ideal moments are after divorce or before a big move. “Each time I relocate to a new place, I throw out items from past romantic relationships with the exception of my late husband, who died young,” shares Freindlich. One thing the experts agree on—it’s probably not a good idea to return any items. “Those who do so tend to be trying to get their ex’s attention, not a good look especially if that ex is in a new relationship,” says Freindlich.

Real People Weigh in on Whether They Kept or Tossed Their Own “Box”
Is a memory box still a part of your life? Ahead, 14 respondents to our survey spill the tea.

• “Of course I have a box! If we can retain memories of past relationships in our mind, what’s wrong with keeping physical objects as well?” —Janine
• “Whenever I find stuff from a random ex, I read, release, and toss. I know what I have and what I had, with what I have now being so much richer.” —Sarah
• “Most of the items in my box are memorabilia from a relationship with my high school boyfriend who unexpectedly died a few years ago. His passing makes the contents of the box even more emotional and bittersweet.” —Kristen
• “My box is at my mom’s house—my wife isn’t aware of its existence.” —Charles
• “My box is the keeper of my memories. It contains all kinds of things—concert ticket stubs, matchbooks, poems written for me, pictures drawn of me. I don’t have anything to hide but my plan is to curate everything at some point—keep the truly meaningful stuff and toss the rest in a ceremonial bonfire.” —Cindy
• “I still have my box filled with happy memories—any negative ones I threw out long ago.” —Kathy
• “I don’t see any point in hanging onto memories of a person I’m not with anymore. And I wouldn’t like my partner to think I was hanging onto my past either.” —Maria
• “I found letters in my husband’s box from his ex that gave me insight into who he was back then and even more importantly, who she was. It helped me put together some of the pieces of his past while understanding some of the current issues in our relationship.” —Lisa
• “I don’t keep anything from my past lovers. To move on, I believe it’s best to erase every physical memory of an ex from your life.” —Kim
• “Men keep sentimental items as well, though maybe they’re not as open about it. I have a box full of pictures I’ve shared with my spouse who had no issues with anything at all.” —Steve
• “My box includes scrapbooks and photo albums which make me smile, as they’re mostly good memories. But the thought of my daughters going through them one day—seeing their mom in a different light—makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.” —Nancy
• “It makes me both happy and sad to look at the items in my box but I know my past boyfriends and experiences associated with them got me to where I’m supposed to be.” —Stephanie
• “I keep a box but I never throw it in my fiancé’s face. I feel these are private memories and they should remain that way.” —Stacy
• “I store photos of my ex in a file on my computer that one day I’ll most likely destroy. I’m just not ready yet.” —Patty